Soldier--a poem

We had an apartment-
We only existed outside of those walls for classes
Or to be the cold breathes outside
Of the country kitchen
The gas station
Wal-Mart.
“Whaley Whale” You called yourself…
I was the Star-Fishy-Fishy.

You used to scoop me up so tall and spin our love in the kitchen.
Me so high on your chest, “Touch the light!” you’d say, and I would, and we’d kiss.
Was it really you there? Twirling and laughing?
I was so happy to
Forget
Who you could be
When the light in your eyes went
Out.

The night you found his car,
The night you found me stripped,
I had already said I wasn’t yours
But you hadn’t let go--
We didn’t see eye to eye.
I thought he would die by your hands.
I told him to run, drive-
But in his car
I’d lost your ring
And forgotten my shoes.
I walked into lake Bemidji
I though I might have drowned.

I never knew until the end
About the cigarillos—
Never even knew you smoked
We’d been together an entire year and
I never knew until last night
how much you, lie,
and it was your new ex-girlfriend’s lips, that let it slip.

You didn’t believe in whom I could be on my own
But I still have both of my feet
Underneath me
and shoed.
You told me I needed you
But I am stronger than that.
I am

It’s been almost one year
Since that night, and the lake, and the
Tears—ashamed that they were mine.
You’ve given up Da Vinci
You’ve abandoned your brushes, those precise pens
And thick pencils.
I remember when you’d bought them
They were new
You were excited.

Your inky hands are too white
Now, too clean
Your two faces will never look the same
Without your long hair or
without your hair at all.

Now,
You’ve spent so many months hating me,
Loving her.
She was, for a time,
your new Captor.
But she left you too—
When you shaved your head
Took away her CDs and told her
“You’re moving on base,
I’m joining the military.”
And you joined the military
Just like Kurt
Who hits your mother
Just like Kurt
Who pushed you around
Just like Kurt, the man
You swore you always hated.
And anything left of the good I knew is
Now very,
Very gone.